Can we take a minute to chat about the mess that is my hair. Again.
In the week that I’ve finally got to the point post chemo where I can use a proper dye on my hair, I’m still dealing with a lot of the side effects of having had treatment that makes your hair fall out!
So, yes, I know I was lucky* enough to be able to cold cap and not lose all my hair during either of my chemo cycles. But for the second time in less than 18 months I’m having to deal with the fall out of losing 60% of my hair and having it grow back again.
Seriously, what on earth am I meant to do with it? It’s like there’s a two inch fringe growing all over my head. Again.
It sticks up between my old hair on the top of my crown, stands out sideways around my ears, creates a shelf along the back of my head! Basically, if I cropped there a mullet growing that any Toni and Guy stylist in the early 2000′s would have been proud of!
This time last year I’d just about got to the point where I could see an end to having to hide my weird short regrowth when I went back into chemo in May, and now I’m at an awkward stage where it’s not long enough to hide with any style! All over again. I can get away with a beanie or cap on a dog walk, or if I’m out and about somewher chilled, but there’s no making it look nice any more!
I wore head scarves last time I was growing it back out (it was more summery) but people told me I looked like I had cancer and that made me self conscious, plus, real cancer patients, the ones who lost their hair, look at you a bit funny when you rock up in one! Like you’re not really supposed to be joining their gang. (I think I’ve mentioned it before, but online, it feels like there’s a definite hierarchy when it comes to cancer worthiness. People who have lost their hair definitely score higher than people who didn’t. Maybe I’ll do a post all about the hierarchy of cancer one day. If I’m feeling brave! And don’t get me started on the amount of people who’ve been pregnant who have told me that their hair also fell out, like it’s the same thing!)
But I’m kind of in a really crappy hair place right now, and I know I’ve probably got another 6 months of growth before the short hair gets to a length where it’ll start to actually blend in with the rest, (it’s definitely growing slower this time round so maybe it’ll take longer!) And then maybe another year after that before it’s an actual style. Until then I’m trying to deal with the fact I’ve had one usable hair style (half up, half down) for the last 18months, and if it’s not this style, it’s currently hidden beneath a cap. That’s not much choice is it?
So I’m getting impatient. I want nice hair now. I want to be able to properly style it. Grow it out of this bob. Have a messy bun. And beachy waves. And a balayage. Basically, I’d take anything right now that didn’t look like I was cultivating a mullet.
I’m also kind of bored by people with decent hair telling me to be grateful forwhat I have, because I bet if it was them they wouldn’t be happy about it either!
In short, I miss this old hair. I miss my long hair. In truth, I miss the me that had this hair!
*You know you’re living a fucked up life when your idea of lucky is only losing 60% of your hair, twice, to chemotherapy. But yes. I know. There’s always someone else worse off. And I can’t complain. But let’s face it I worked bloody hard to not lose my hair and having hair doesn’t mean I didn’t suffer side effects as much as someone who went down the #baldisbeautiful route! No matter what the internet thinks!