Why I can be happy for you, but sad for me at the same time

Over the last year I’ve watched friends
flourish in ways I know that my life won’t be doing, and I wanted to just talk
for a little moment about how hard this is for someone living with incurable
cancer. Not so that they stop celebrating, or that people feel sorry for me,
but more so that people understand when I retreat from certain situations – I am
not being rude, I am just protecting myself.

Since my diagnosis, I’ve watched friends buy
beautiful new houses and get amazing promotions or start fantastic new jobs or
build themselves epic businesses or change careers. I’ve seen friends get
pregnant and get married and celebrate big life achievements, or big birthdays.

But, let’s face it, barring a lottery
win, there is not going to be a upgrading house move in our future, not with me
working part-time – and working part time realistically puts a stop on job
promotions or a career change. Just the fact that my current job pays my health
insurance and has sick pay* would make it a crazy decision to move from my
current role. And well there will be no babies – cancer has seen to it that
babies are just something that aren’t in our future and has to be come to terms

And, don’t get me wrong, I have been so,
so happy for them, I have celebrated with them to the best of my abilities and
I love them for moving their lives forwards – but it’s also been really painful
at times to watch people do all these things because I know so that so many of
these events are ones that I won’t get to celebrate in my life. I can’t help
but be jealous and have a tinge of regret too. Which makes me withdraw from
situations, and then I worry that people don’t think I am happy for them.

just a really strange situation that I never anticipated being in, and I am still figuring out. And I know I won’t be the only one. 

I just want to say to everyone I know, please don’t stop telling me your awesome news, just know why I might have to take myself out of certain situations, or drink my weight in beer……. 

*which I am incredibly grateful for and I
know I am so lucky to have so please don’t bother me with telling me how privileged
I am. I know I am more fortunate than some, but I also have incurable cancer so,
lets face it, I am not winning any luck competitions.

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