How are you feeling?

The number one thing I get asked these days is how I’m feeling. I know that people are just concerned and it’s nice that they are concerned! I thought it might get annoying but it’s nice to know people care! But sometimes I don’t want to tell people how I’m actually doing because it’s just a little intense!
Mostly, now, I just say ‘fine, a little tired but fine’ because there aren’t many people who want to hear about my painful scalp or crazy heartburn, or the pain that means I can’t straighten my arm from the drugs in my veins, or the fact that my skin hurts or that the drugs I am on mean I can’t poop and I need to nap more than I ever thought possible – I am not a napper – I never have been. 
But at over half way through my chemo journey I can honestly say I’m doing better than expected, well, better than the movies would have you think you’d be doing when they show chemo patients all emaciated and in hospital beds. And this week, on a cocktail of steroids and anti sickness tablets I’m pretty much OK. I mean there are days I can take a 2 hour walk in the countryside with the dogs, and then there are days I have to sit down when I take a flight of stairs. But you know, I’m still here and I still have hair so it can’t be too bad can it!

And then my mind kicks into gear and throws me a curve ball. Not to be *too* overly dramatic but there’s something sobering about facing what is essentially your own mortality. I worry that this won’t be the only time I have to fight this. I worry that future coughs and pains will mean it’s returned, or metastasised somewhere else. 

Between these thoughts like this, the days I just want to sleep the moments of staring blankly into space in this post chemo funk, and forgetting simple words like ‘Milk’ and ‘Door’, I’m wondering what the hell I should be doing with my life. It’s starting to feel like I should be doing something with meaning. Something with purpose. Something that makes me heart sing. Something I am passionate about. I’m just not sure what that is yet.

I’m a cliché I know. Girl faces cancer. Girl gets spiritual about her life. But you try it and carry on without reevaluating your life. I dare you! Go on! 

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