I’m not normally one for falling apart in public so I apologise for this post, but it’s been eating away at me and at some point if you don’t let things out I’m sure I might implode!
One of the things I have learnt this year is that I don’t deal with regret that well. Not the sort of regret that comes from not buying those boots you just HAD to have and realising they are sold out, or the regret you feel what you realise you drank far too much last night and did something stupid, but the sort or regret that completely envelopes your life and makes it hard to think straight. The sort I am trying to move past at the moment.
For 6 months now I’ve been struggling to deal with this regret and feeling of loss and it’s starting to eat into my day to day life. I feel like it’s consuming me and I can’t find a way to win. I knew Jim being in India would be tough as there would be a lot more nights alone in the house, but I don’t think I had quite prepared myself for what that would do to my brain. I’ll be washing up and thoughts that I just can’t shake will hit me and then it ends up with Flash looking at me like a crazy woman as I’m crying washing glasses and spoons (when it’s just me there’s always an abundance of glasses and spoons to wash!)
So far my saving graces have been keeping busy as much as I can – filling every spare minute with something and when I don’t have the time filled I’ve been going swimming. The gym down the road is open until 10 so when the regret starts to build and I catch it in time, I’ve popped down for a swim. My brain still works in the same way but I am too focused on breathing and the pain in my knees to give them too much time – the plus side is no-one can see the tears if you’re in the pool.
But I can’t carry on this way. I hate the way I feel and need to figure out how to get back to the old me. I need to move past the heartbreak and I need to get on with my life and it can’t be a life that includes these episodes, but I can’t quite figure out how to do it right now. Does any one have any tips for getting past the thoughts that just won’t go away? (And yes I have been to the Drs but they aren’t very helpful!)